What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Who Is Struggling to Conceive

Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, recalls the emotional toll of her third miscarriage. The day following the loss, she returned to work, only to face remarks from two supervisors that left her deeply affected. A female manager observed that she was “at least early enough” in her pregnancy when she miscarried, while a male colleague noted she didn’t appear “presentable” for her role. “I was in shock,” Vicky says, before resigning on her next shift. Over time, she’s encountered well-intentioned but hurtful comments from loved ones, including phrases like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” Though acknowledging these words come from care, she wishes people would pause before offering advice during her most vulnerable moments.

The Weight of Well-Meaning Words

Vicky isn’t the only one facing awkward remarks. Kay, a 33-year-old from Manchester, shared how people often say insensitive things when discussing infertility. In an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life, she recalled a close friend sitting her down before starting IVF and telling her, “a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it.” According to the NHS, roughly 1 in 7 couples face challenges in conceiving, and in 2023, over 50,000 UK patients underwent IVF cycles—where eggs are fertilized in a lab and embryos transferred to the uterus.

Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS waiting list for IVF, initially hesitated to share her struggles with friends and family. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she explains, adding that the expectation of natural conception makes her feel like she’s “failing herself.” Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, experienced similar pressures. In some South Asian communities, women who delay pregnancy often face relentless questioning about their “womanliness,” with relatives blaming them for prioritizing careers or not marrying early enough. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” Asiya says, describing how she withdrew from others during her journey.

Support That Matters

Experts emphasize the importance of empathy and open communication. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), notes that infertility treatment can be emotionally taxing, with moments like period days or embryo transfers triggering intense feelings. “The process itself is a roller coaster,” she says, highlighting the need for understanding. Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, adds that confidants may not always be family or regular friends. “Your IVF support team could differ from those who typically offer comfort,” she explains, urging individuals to use available counseling services.

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting example. She says her friends and family provided “incredible” support, from visiting after miscarriages to gifting restaurant vouchers for respite. Even small gestures, like text messages acknowledging her journey, made a difference. “It’s not just about big acts,” Elena says, stressing that thoughtful attention can be profoundly meaningful.

Ultimately, those navigating fertility struggles often appreciate when others ask what kind of support they need. “Random check-ins, remembering appointment dates, and learning about treatments show you’re genuinely thinking,” Chloe suggests. This approach can help turn well-meaning words into a source of comfort rather than pain.