The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
A private room at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, is marked by a hand-drawn sign featuring playful warnings: “GIRLS ONLY,” “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], and “don’t worry boys!” The board is adorned with vibrant hearts and stars, creating a whimsical yet telling atmosphere. When I enter, a dozen girls are already engaged in a spirited card game, their laughter and chatter blending with the anticipation of pizza delivery. This encounter forms part of my About The Girls Radio 4 series, which includes conversations with approximately 150 young women, predominantly aged 13 to 17. The discussions at this table mirrored countless others, revealing a group that is witty, insightful, and full of life.
Conversations shaped by boys
As the girls shared their thoughts, themes of ambition, friendship, and familial care emerged. One expressed a desire to “have a fridge that you can have a vase in… and be a doctor!” Another emphasized the trust in her friends: “I can tell her anything.” Their awareness of responsibilities, like visiting their grandmother to recharge her electricity, highlighted their maturity. The dialogue bounced between school life, social media trends, and debates over cheese feast portions. Yet, a consistent undercurrent was the way their self-perception remained tethered to how boys viewed them.
“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating,”
Reflecting on the broader context, this project follows my earlier About The Boys series, which explored teenage males across the UK. The timing of the interviews—amid the aftermath of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and debates around Andrew Tate—added urgency. The girls’ openness made the process feel timely, yet their focus on boys’ perspectives was striking. It was as if their conversations had become a real-world iteration of the Bechdel Test, where female characters often center around male interactions.
Girls navigating the world with caution
Even as they spoke freely, the irony became clear: most girls described altering their behavior in the presence of boys. They aimed to avoid being labeled “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird,” striving instead to appear polite and agreeable. Boys, they noted, could be loud and funny without consequence, while girls had to temper their voices and presence. “They don’t want to take up space,” one explained, “so they try to be smaller and quieter.” Teachers echoed this, describing girls as “keeping their heads down” and “not making a fuss,” often remaining unseen in the classroom.
The psychology of internalized expectations
Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar dynamics in her work. She observed that young women consistently feel pressured to embody politeness and respect, often internalizing societal norms about their conduct. “There is certainly a pressure that we heard from young women around that—really translating into they need to be polite and respectful,” she noted. This pattern suggests that even in 2025/26, teenage girls remain deeply influenced by how boys perceive them, shaping their identities in ways that feel both inevitable and limiting.
Alison Harbor, manager of the youth center, was pleased with the girls’ candidness. “The boys at the club are quite vocal,” she remarked, “and confident in sharing their opinions. Well today, the girls have been the same!” Despite their assertiveness, she worried about the tendency for girls to internalize struggles, often carrying them silently. The conversations, while vibrant, underscored a persistent reality: the lens of boys continues to define how girls see themselves, even as they strive to carve out their own space in the world.
